Ash Wednesday and God Plans!

Today is Ash Wednesday and the first time in over 25 years, when at this time I am usually so stressed and rushed, I am sitting in a chair, listening to Abba (yes that song for those of you who know) not worrying about the services of the day, nor about any Lent courses that will follow, or about what shall we do at Easter.

I love the ceremonies and symbolism of Ash Wednesday, and over the years in every parish in which I have served, I have always included the imposition of the ashes in the Ash Wednesday proceedings.

Even going shopping at ASDA or wherever after the service, and having to explain the cross on my forehead which I had forgotten to wash off, was part of the Ash Wednesday fun.

 

And I was almost word perfect with the words I had to use, although I do admit I can remember at least once a year getting them wrong – and instead of saying "turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ" I would say "turn away from Christ and be faithful to sin" which of course gave the imposition of the ashes service a completely new meaning.

 

For myself I have always found Ash Wednesday and the period of lent a wonderful time of self-examination and trying to get it right.

 

I'm always trying to find a book to read, extra period of prayer, tried to amend one area of my life which causes concern, but above everything each year I have tried to take something extra on for Lent – something new.

 

That is why this year I have decided to blog every day. The book I am going to read I have yet to decide, maybe I have left it a little late.

 

At the moment I am praying a lot more, even if it is all sorts of times during the day and more importantly during the night.

 

Anyway I promised I will blog so here goes.

My last service in the benefice of Ollerton and Boughton as a stipendiary incumbent was on 30 September 2012, and it is there where I will start.

It was a great day, quite a few people came to see me off, including the Archdeacon and his wife, and this was followed by a lovely lunch. I was presented with a cheque, and an aerial photograph of St Paulinus church New Ollerton.

 

I was also given a book in which people had written their thoughts about my ministry and my time in Ollerton and Boughton. I was rather perturbed by one page, which had part of the page unceremoniously removed by tearing, by somebody who had either written something nice, and upon reflection they had regretted writing it, or they had written something horrible about me which they then thought better off. Whichever is the case I have a very good idea who did it!

 

I was very well aware that after only four years, and promising 10 years when I was licensed, that I was leaving the parishes of St Paulinus New Ollerton, St Giles Ollerton, and St Matthews Boughton six years early with unfulfilled promises, and un completed ministry.

 

However I hadn't planned the cancer, which was diagnosed after my first year, and on looking back, I realise I had been very poorly at least for the vast part of 2012 and this was slowing down my ministry.

 

In Ollerton and Brimpton there are some lovely and wonderful people – some really good Christian people, who are trying to follow Christ in all they do, but there are also people who offer - let's say -a great challenge.

 

Now I am always up for a challenge, indeed that was what attracted me to the job in the first place, but even by my expectations some of the challenges which were before me, were extremely difficult.

 

My hopes for retirement included my being in some sort of ministry at least for half time, and then also being able to carry out some of my hobbies including my railways, antiques, photography, and tracing the family tree. I also hope to travel a bit more and visit many of my family and friends.

 

So far none of this has happened – but it will!!!

 

The first day of my retirement was Monday 1st October 2012 and I went with Mark and Catherine on the train up to London. My leg was then giving me some pain, and as I couldn't walk very far we went on a cruise up the river Thames to the Thames Barrier and the Olympic Park. We then went for a ride on the Docklands Light Railway, to see yet more of the Olympic Park. We had a great day even if it was at a slightly pace at a slightly slower pace than usual.

 

Later that week on Friday I was once again in London this time visiting my spiritual director for the last time in London as she was moving to Wiltshire.

 

The following week was filled with packing boxes – not that I could pack many boxes as by this time I was in considerable pain. Anyway Sue took time off and boxes were packed and the days of removal arrived.

 

The removal itself was a nightmare – for me I realise now I was far from well – Sue got so stressed at having to deal with everything, and with me, all on her own. Without the help of Mark and Kathryn and Neil in the subsequent weekend, I don't know where would have been.

 

Indeed our first visitor who came to stay the weekend after we moved was Neil, and he performed wonders, spending the whole weekend unpacking boxes. I have never seen so many boxes in my life – and I was supposed to have got rid of at least half of my stuff - I just don't know where all the rubbish (to use Sue's words) had come from.

 

By the following Monday night pain had become so bad and I felt so unwell, that I went to the doctors.

 

Without any further ado he referred me to the oncologist in City Hospital Nottingham, who in turn admitted me there and then.

 

Here began almost 8 weeks in hospital. I will reflect on those hospital days and the post hospitalisation over the next few days of blogging.

 

For today, Ash Wednesday, it is all about expectations. My expections versus God's plans

 

I didn't want to retire, and when I agreed to it, I only agreed to on the basis that there would be at least a half time job waiting for me. The Archdeacon, Area Dean and indeed the Bishop had agreed that this could be the case, and I was given my permission to officiate license after only a month, as a special case.

Sue and I were also considering moving into a another vicarage on a house for duty basis. This had kept me going for some time in the build-up to retirement.

 

And of course none of this was to happen and over many many weeks of laying in bed doing nothing but thinking, I have had time to reflect and re-adjust.

Turn away from sin and be faithful to Christ – the correct words for Ash Wednesday.

 

During my time of reflection, I have found that I have really been able to do this. Maybe I am not as rotten as I sometimes think I am. But isn't that the same for all of us – we so often think of ourselves as worse than we are.

 

God loves me, God loves you. He loves us, as we are and that is a hard lesson for us to learn – at least it's a hard lesson for me to learn - you may be different.

 

But that is one of the main lessons I have learned over the past months since retirement, and on this Ash Wednesday, and during this period of Lent, I want to rejoice in that fact. And I also want you to rejoicing that fact for and about yourselves.

 

Unlike my last time in hospital three years ago, this time God has felt very close to me, and continues to do so.

 

For my part I still have to work out what he wants me to do with and for him.

 

It is clearly not as I imagined it would be especially during my retirement, but I have a sneaky suspicion that it may be something even greater.

 

Chat again tomorrow.