Full Circle??

25 years ago this year, I first set my sight on Salisbury Cathedral, and fell in love with it. I had just attended my second ACCM selection conference (the final conference which recommends you or otherwise, for being suitable for training for ordained ministry) - my first ACCM conference 9 years before saw me being an "otherwise".

After a difficult visit to Lincoln Theological College, where I was offered a place, but didn't warm to it as I had done 9 years before, I was steered in the direction of Salisbury and Wells Theological college, as it was then called, but is no more!

I loved the place, as did Sue. Neither of us had been there before, and some months later the whole family moved to the Cathedral City where we lived for 2 years. 2 of the happiest years of my life.

Values changed - my world of banking - loans, personal loans, investements, big business, individual customers, materialism, greed, profits, changed into a life concerned with God, justice, mercy, affirming people, looking at exciting and new challenges, finding new ways of expressing your faith - especially through worship, along with learning how to use my banking and other skills in a different way.

Ok so those who know me well will know that I have not lost all my former attributes - especially as far as gadgets are concerned, but it has to be said that 2 years in Salisbury opened my life up, and I would say that of Sue, in a way we could never have dreamt of.

Salisbury, for me at 37, a real beginning after almost 20 years working with National Westminster Bank. 20 years I enjoyed, and had I not worked in certain branches, I wouldn't have met Sue let alone marry her, and then our children wouldn't be, neither our grandchildren - all of whom I think the world of.

So much for that for the moment.

I realise that it is two weeks since my last blog. A fair bit has happened, but the main feature has been the continung issues regarding my cancer. I just wish I didn't think about it quite so much, and the more I seem to think about it, the more I seem to feel the aches. I am not sure at this stage which way round it is - am I thinking about it because of the aches, or am I aching because I keep thinking about it?

But it is a main feature of our lives at the moment, but as I have said before, I am determined it is not going to get me down, and that I am going to continue to live life to the fullest I can.

We can't go on the cruise I wanted to go on, because of my next visit to the oncologist - it is a good job I didn't book it, but I am trying to book one a week later.

A week last Saturday Sue and I and Charlotte and Daniel went to my Niece Victoria's wedding to Duncan. It was a lovely day, and so enjoyable. It all took place in a lovely part of Britain near Carnforth. I drove there, and Charlotte drove back. These family get togethers mean so much to me, and are so much fun. Looking forward to my last Niece getting married, Helen, and I promised my son Daniel that I wouldn't mention anything about him, so I won't, although I really do live in hope!! Louise is so lovely, and 3 lovely children!

Had a great day in Dukeries college, last week, sitting in on their RE classes. I even, this time, took centre stage up front, rather than contibuting from th back. Young people are so vibrant and full of life, and really not at all like they are often portrayed. In the evening I went with the head of RE and one of the teachers out for a curry. It was a great time.

One of the downside features of my treatment that has happened in the last 2 weeks, is that I have been a bit off with some people who I don't mean to be horrible with. Let me say now to you, and to those of you (yes there were more than 1) I am very, very sorry, and I do hope you will forgive me, and understand. I don't mean it at all, and I hope you realise that it isn't really what I am like. I have even fallen out with my Bank, but then they are rubbish, and I am going to arrange to transfer my accounts back to NatWest who I left 22 years ago when I came to college.

And that takes me back to where I started, at least as my banking is concerned.

But it is not just in Banking, I write these words from my room in Sarum College, which used to be Salisbury and Wells Theological college. I am on a 3 day retreat, basing my time around mattins/eucharist in the morning, and choral evensong in the evening in Salisbury Cathedral. I loved it 24 years ago, and I love it now. It is like a spiritual pillow on which I can lay my head. The routine and the proceddures haven't changed, and it really is an out of this world experience. The only main difference is that the Precentor is only 31, and would have been 7 when I was at college. Makes me feel very old.

But as much as I love the worship here in the Cathedral, how different it is to worship in ex-mining communities - especially New Ollerton. It also shows me just how much I have changed as a priest over the years.

My time on retreat is going very well indeed. I have come here with my dear friend Martin, who, like Sue, always keeps my feet firmly on the ground. Martin and I met when we were in the same Tutor Group at Salisbury and Wells Theological College. We have remained great freinds ever since - I am Godfather to 2 of his children, and he and I meet up every 6/8 weeks to discus our work and support each other.

So here I am really where it all started, at least as far a my ordained minstry is concerned. And how appropraite it is.

Salisbury once again takes a pivital role in my life.

It is once again a beginning. A beginning for a new and even more exciting period of my minstry, and of my walk with Christ.

I announced last Sunday in Church that is is my intention to retire from stipeniary ministry at the end of September, and as Vicar of Ollerton and Boughton - hopefully to do as much as I can thereafter.

I have thought about this for a couple of years, but dreaded the thought. In reality, being in work has brought me back from a brink, but as I feel now, I don't feel that every day I can give 100%, as much as I want to, and the position of Vicar of Ollerton and Boughton demands at least that, as any job should. I would never thnk of giving anything less, but I now realise that I need to focus a bit more of my health, while still carrying on in minstry, in a different, less stressful way.

So beware!

Especially as I now have a bus pass. Yes, I was told at the hospital that I could apply for one, having had my application turned down when I was 60. Apparantly the rules changed again in January this year, and not only was I entitled to one, I now have one. It came last week, and on Saturday I went into Mansfield on the bus, with my stick, and a brief case (for my shopping, but I didn't want to look like an old man going shopping - only to deposit all the contents of my brief case all over the floor of the bus, when I sat down. People were very kind and came to the rescue of this old man!) Met Sue in Town, and all she could do was laugh!

I like that.

I can take whatever pills I have to, but as long as I can still laugh, and Sue does make me laugh (meant in the right way)! I always get people laughing at weddings and baptisms, because so many people come to church looking so solumn - God enjoys laughing, and so do I.

Blessings and laughter until next time!

Reality Checking

Today is our wedding anniversary -- 37 years ago today Sue and I were married.

As those of you who know us know, Sue and I are totally different in personality, in what would like to do, and in so many other ways. But I have always been the advocate of opposites attracting, and in the case of Sue and I this is most definitely a fact.

Sue swept me off my feet almost 41 years ago when I first met over the post office counter in Barton on Humber, and since that time she has endeavoured to keep my feet firmly on the ground. This has been needed, as there are times when I do need a reality check. We married in the rain in a small village church at Bonby, near Brigg in Lincolnshire, and we have recently been back to visit with some of our grandchildren. They were very fascinated. I have to say they have been 37 wonderful years, and I wouldn't have changed anything.  Much has happened in that time, people have departed and new people have taken place, but of course that is the order of things.

Yesterday I went to visit the Oncologist, and Charlotte came with me. Not a good day. Apparently the cancer has spread to an upper thoracic vertebrae and several ribs. This news came as a bit of a blow, particularly as I am feeling so well. The Oncologist was uncertain as to whether to change my medication -- at present I am on Sutent, which has an average effectiveness of 11 months, and I have been on it 27 months, so it was inevitable that this time would come. Apparently the cancer cells learn ways of getting round the medication, finding new ways to multiply. This is what seems to be happening in my case. The new medication is a drug called Everolimus. He put this scenario to me as to whether to change the drug now, leave it to more cycles continuing with Sutent, and then have a further CT scan to see how things are. After much discussion, thought and reflection I have decided to stay with Sutent for now.  This does mean however that the Cruise which Sue and I had hoped to go on at the end of June is looking unlikely. Certainly the day and cruise to the Arctic circle we had planned won't happen, because I have a further meeting with the oncologist in that first week, but it may be we can go a few days later to another desitination.

So how do I feel about the cancer?.

I have to say when the news was given me it was quite a body blow, but not quite the body blow like when I was first told. The problem with many people (myself included) is that they think they will live forever, and that bad things will not happen to them, and if you pray hard enough things will get better. The reality in each of these is that this doesn't happen. We don't live forever, everybody is open to good and bad things happening to them, and prayer is answered in ways we don't always understand.  

As a priest and as a Christian I just don't understand, but at the heart of our faith there has to be in something we can’t see, we can’t understand, and we can’t prove – otherwise faith would not be faith but certainty, and there are no certainties in this life, other than it will, for us, one day come to an end!   I have seen many many instances where far better people than I have died of cancer, been killed in a car crash or other accident, had a heart attack at a young age, or whatever, and simply to offer quick slick answers I feel is utter nonsense.  We have to be honest in our belief.

But the trap I had fallen into was to fall back into the thinking that after almost 2 ½ years on Sutent "everything is all right", and as long as I take the medication, all would be well.  Reality should always kick in and remind me that 2 or 3 years ago I was very poorly indeed and not expected to perhaps be alive now.  But that same reality tells me I am here now, and I have, to use the Oncologist’s words yesterday, responded excellently to treatment, and hopefully I will continue to respond to this and to my new medication.

Last Saturday I had a wonderful time leading St Mary Magdalene Hucknall’s staff team in an away day. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I wish this more people would use me in this way. Perhaps in the future this may be the case.  I got the team trying to discover things about each other which they didn’t know, and also trying to get each one of them to understand that it is ok to be vulnerable, and at times, to let that vulnerability be on display.  This is a topic which is very dear to me.

Two weeks ago I went to see my Spiritual Director.  As always, I had a great time with her.  She is so wise, so prayerful, and so appraocjable.  She majored on this aspect of vulnerability, and linked it into my Sabbatical findings.  She was saying that it is ok to be vulnerable, and to display it, and to let us witness to today’s world through it.

Last week has also led me to meet our new Archdeacon (of Newark), David Picken, not once, not twice, but three times.  He seems a great guy, and his sermon on Sunday was very inspiring.  I felt very relaxed with him at last Sunday’s worship – not something I always feel when Archdeacons or Bishops come to visit us.  And that is my failing, not theirs! Archdeacon David has also been very supportive to me in these uncertain days health wise, and without giving too much away at this stage, helping me to sort out my future.

Last week I also had half a day in Dukeries College, a secondary school where I am a governor, and where I try and spend at least a day a month in its RE department.  They have fantastic teachers, and I love getting involved in their lessons. I'm going in all day next Tuesday and then going for a curry with two of the teachers in the evening -- they are helping me with my PowerPoint presentation of my Sabbatical.

I am now really looking forward to my niece’s wedding on Saturday and as I have already said on Facebook, particularly if you are reading this and will be at the wedding, I don't want anybody to look strangely at me, speak in a patronising voice, or think that it will be the last time you will see me. I am no different to last time you saw me. I intend to enjoy myself, with my family and friends, and to go on enjoying myself for as long as I possibly can.  Again as I said on Facebook, there is still life in me to be lived, and I am most definitely going to live it.

Lazy Richard??

I am a failure -- it is over two weeks since I last posted on my blog, and I am very sorry.   You can tell I am back in the full swing of being a vicar, inundated at the moment with  funerals, along with weddings.   All this is in addition to many meetings, but it is good to be back even if I don't get time to do things I did on my sabbatical.

I have been able to do some reading around my time of study, but not as much as I would have liked.  We have had our Annual Parochial Church Meeting, which last year was very challenging, and this year was like it usually is. Having said that three churchwardens have not stood for re-election, and only one has replaced them.

There is not much else to report, other than to say I continue to reflect on my time away.  I am seeing my Spiritual Director this Thursday in London, and no doubt that will help move things on, and sort things out in my mind.

Later this month I am going on retreat, and it is during that time that real decisions will be made.  My retreat is at Sarum College where I trained for ordination, and I'm looking forward to that very much.  I hope to get time on Salisbury Station!

Next week I also have a meeting with our new Archdeacon, and again I am looking forward to meeting him.  He is also coming to St Paulinus to preach a week on Sunday, and afterwards for lunch.

One silly thing I have done is to delete all my diary from my Google calendar.  As I had no backup, this means I have had to reconstruct my diary from memory. 

So if you had planned some extravagant evening for me, and I had accepted your invitation and failed to turn up, then I am very sorry. If you read this and think to yourself I hope Richard still house a certain date in his diary, it is worth just checking with me to make sure I have.

Healthwise it has been one of the best periods on medication that I have had.  Tomorrow is the last day in the present four-week spell of taking the drug Sutent, and this is followed by two weeks off.  Other than my hip which is hurting quite considerably (not surprising considering the cold damp weather) I have felt quite well -- even my feet which usually calls make great problems, have not been too bad.

Tomorrow, that is Wednesday, 2 May, I have another CT scan, and whilst I feel everything is ok, until the medical people look at the results, I won't know what is going on inside me. My next appointment with the oncologist is in two week’s time, and then I shall know for certain.

On Friday this week Charlotte is 30!  It really doesn't seem 30 years since I was standing by Sue in Grimsby Maternity Hospital being the official timekeeper and uttering those words 12.28(pm).  So this Friday Sue, Charlotte and I are going out to lunch, in slightly different circumstances.  We are having a family get-together on Monday.

I will endeavour to do at least two blogs a week to keep my many fans are advised. Please feel free to let me know if you feel I have let you down but not blogging!