Back to work tomorrow!!!!!

Today in is Saturday, 31 March 2012 - the last day of my Sabbatical/study leave. 

In my last posting I mentioned about pain and not feeling very well -- in fact yesterday morning I woke up feeling awful. I really felt the cancer was spreading -- I was sick, I was having symptoms of fever, I was once again struggling in passing water, and I ached all over. 

So poorly that I feel that even Sue had sympathy. She called the chemotherapy nurse for advice, as I had been told to do so if I had any problems, but she was on holiday and at that time nobody else could help me. I got an appointment with my GP and I toddled over the road to him. He gave me a thorough examination and advised me that the ache in my chest was muscular -- presumably a result of my continual coughing from my cold/chest infection, but he was more concerned about my passing water problems.

He did further tests I told me I had a UTI (urinary tract infection).  He also advised me my pulse was high, and I was borderline for admission to hospital. Pulse 120, anything over 120 means hospitalisation. But we decided for me to have some antibiotics and stay at home on the basis that the drug would be getting into my system quicker than if I was waiting around at A and E  in hospital.  He let me do this on the basis that if I wasn't feeling any better the next day, I was to admit myself.  Today is the next day, and I do feel a lot better.

Tomorrow it is back to work after my Sabbatical, and my sermon is already written. I have one service in the morning followed by baptisms, and then Messy Church in the afternoon. I am looking forward to it all very much, but I am going to have to take it easy because of my UTI and the fact that I can have one kidney.

I have had to cancel the PCC party tonight, but any members of the PCC who read this please know how sorry T am that this is the case, and I promise that it will be rearranged at a later date -- probably as a barbecue when the lighter nights here.

My sabbatical has been a great experience.  For almost 3 weeks of it I have not been as well as I would've liked, and one of my trips has had to be cancelled.  But I do feel very rested, un-stressed, content with life, aware that I have had some wonderful, exciting and challenging experiences, and most of all I feel much closer to God, more holy, more real, and as a consequence of that, more spiritual.

Still struggling with PowerPoint, but I have an offer of help from the Dukeries College which I can take up after the Easter break.  I'm having a retreat as I mentioned in my last posting, at the end of May when I am going back to Salisbury and to Sarum College where I trained for ordained ministry.

One of the great benefits of my Sabbatical has been how wonderful I realise all those who are closest to me really are. It is often so easy to take such people for granted, and I know that Sue, Daniel, Duncan, and Charlotte have all made comments to me on how I am now like a used to be. Of course this is a sad indictment on my ordained ministry, and I do acknowledge it is my fault, but I do get so involved with my work and let it, and people get to me. I have also had some wonderful times with my sisters and their families, and my many friends some of whom I haven't seen for quite awhile.

The whole question about my future quickly came to the front during my prayer time, discussions with my spiritual director and family and friends, and in my own time of reflection, and whilst I have yet to make any final decisions, the way ahead for me in my condition is becoming clearer. But please don't read anything into this at this stage, these are only reflections on my Sabbatical, with no decisions having been made -- I love stipendiary ministry and the rough and tumble of parish life, particularly the challenges set before me at Ollerton and Boughton.

One question I want to ask anyone who reads this, is whether you want me to continue doing a blog.  Many of you have said how much you have enjoyed reading what I have said -- I don't pretend that it is a work of literature, but you have told me it represents my personality and people seem to have got something out of my simple ramblings. I am very happy to (and want to)  continue blogging if people wanted me  to, and I would appreciate it if you would let me know by adding a comment, e-mailing me or simply telling me face-to-face.

I know there is an interesting and challenging time facing me, and I have enjoyed blogging because I begin to realise the challenges and experiences that I have been through, and still face, can be shared with my family, my friends, and with all those who feel I have something to say.  I have found it to be so much easier to blog what I really feel, than to say it face to face to people.

This particular line of blogging hasn't finished just yet, as I want to do serious reflections on the three places I've visited, and a final in-depth reflection on my sabbatical, but I start work again just as Holy Week begins and I will need a few weeks just to collect all my thoughts.

Thank you for reading, thank you for following me, and I look forward to hearing from you about the future.

Blessings to you all.

The last week!

I realise that it is almost 6 days since I last posted on my blog, and I thank you all who have enquired as to whether I am ok - I am -- but for the last four days I have been on a farm in Wales where there has been limited Internet access. I got home yesterday evening.

In saying that I am ok, I am still trying to get rid of the final bits of my cold/chesty cough.  I also find my walking is not as good as it has been, and I seem to have a permanent pain in my chest.  I think the pain is a result of my coughing, and I hope it is nothing more sinister.  If my cancer does spread, or rather should I say when it spreads, which at some stage it undoubtedly will (hopefully years away) it will be to the lungs that it will go next.   Anyway I have my next appointment is with the oncologist next Wednesday -- we'll have to see what he says.

Having got home from Poland in the early hours of 21 March, I spent the next day with my banking friend Bernard who I have known for almost 44 years,  at the auctions near Derby -- the auction room is owned by Charles Hanson who was my expert when I appeared on Bargain Hunt.   Bernard also knows Charles through a friend, and so we decided to make a day of it.   It was great, and I resisted the temptation to buy anything. We didn't get chance to speak with Charles, but we are going again.

Thursday I met up with Caroline, my curate, for lunch and she brought me up to date with what was happening in the parish -- or more importantly what I am doing when I get back. The rest of the day and most of Friday was taken up reading, writing and reflecting. I managed to take Oscar and Benson for a walk on Friday afternoon, but I find it very difficult walking great distances, and I ended up in great pain.  I did, however, manage a curry in the evening at my favourite Indian restaurant the Vhojon in Mansfield.

On Saturday I should have been going to Jerusalem -- but this is the one aspect of my Sabbatical which won't happen because I have listened to those who need to be listened to. Sue, my family and my close friends have told me that I have tried to pack too much into my Sabbatical, and that this was being reflected in how I was feeling. So instead of going to Jerusalem, I went to Wales instead for four days in order to pray, reflect and start my formal writing up of my time away.

The weather in Wales has been absolutely beautiful -- much warmer than it often  is when we are there in the summer. I have had my first lessons at PowerPoint presentations, but I can't get the text to scroll as I want it to.  Any advice here would be much appreciated.

Got back home yesterday evening, and this morning I have been at the Dukeries College sitting on a Governors' panel deciding whether to uphold a compulsory redundancy.  It was a very interesting process, but I can't say I enjoyed it because at the end of the day a teacher was losing his job, and his livelihood, and I along with two other governors had to decide whether they process was correct.

I was told at the end of the meeting that I had a lot of wisdom to bring to the proceedings -- Sue family and friends are you listening!?!

Tomorrow I am going to see my mother in Grimsby and my sisters and some of the families, and on Saturday we are having a PCC party at the vicarage.

I have lost about two weeks of my Sabbatical not being well, and I hope to catch these things up by the end of May. One of them is a retreat and this has been arranged for the last week in May at the college where I trained for ordination -- Salisbury.

I have to do something now which I have got at the habit of doing -- that is preparing a sermon for Sunday.  Palm Sunday -- all about journeys -- I have plenty to go on.

Day 3 in Poland

After the previous day, today was always going to be a day of reflection, of thinking, of prayer, and of just looking at and appreciating the many blessings that are around us all the time.  Sue, Neil and Jocelyn wanted to go to Schindlers factory, which was some miles from where we were staying, so we had an early breakfast, and they went their way, and I went back to our room, to pack, to rest and to blog.

But first I had to attend to my glasses - one of my nose pads had dropped off, and was sticking into my skin and hurting me.  Sue kept telling me to stop fiddling with it, so now I was on my own, I thought I would see what I could do.  I was a little hindered as I need glasses on to see what I am doing, but worse still, I somehow managed to break the frame completely.

So there I was, no glasses, no Sue.  Quite seriously, I felt powerless, and it was not a nice feeling.  I managed to pack, rest my leg which was hurting considerably after the long walk the day before.  I still had 4 hours before I was meeting Sue again, so I thought I would book out of the hotel and go and take some photos of trams.

Wrong!

Out I went, camera in hand.  Took 3 photos, when the camera shut down sawing battery needed charging.  Taking pictures on my iPhone was a hopeless exercise because I couldnt see what I was doing.

But I had a great time, slowly walking round the centre of Krakow, on a gorgious day, people watching, and letting life happen all around me. 

Met Sue and Neil and Jocelyn for lunch, a very late lunch, and when I told Sue what had happened, you can guess - she burst out laughing, as did Neil and Jocelyn (as I did).  The lunch menu had to be very carefully read out to me for me to make my choice.

I was then carefully led to the hotel to collect bags, and then to the station to catch the train to the airport, and then to the thrills once again of Ryanair.  I deceided that I would just sit and be patient during the "Ryanair" experience, and I was.  Plane was packed, again treated like cattle, but again I have to admit it was all very efficient.

Plane left on time, arrived at Stansted early.  Kind Charlotte was picking us up, but was an hour later arriving A1 South was closed, and she had to go on a long diversion.  At 2am we arrived home.   Happy, and the first thing I did was to find my old glasses.  I don't like being powerless, and so reliant on others! - at least not while I feel well - and by now I was feeling really good again.

Day 2 in Poland

My glasses are still broken, and I am struggling to see the keys on my iPad, let alone what I write, but I am now sat in Krakow airport with about an hour to go until boarding, so I thought I would have a go, correcting any errors when I get home. Also there is free wifi here.

The start to yesterday was quite different to our first day in Poland - gone was the glorious sunshine and relative warmth, and in its place a dull, dark, damp and cold day.   How this met our mood, and in particular what we were about to experience.    At 9am the arranged transport called at the hotel to take us for our trip.

It was a strange journey - about an hour and a quarter, through suburbs, industrial areas and rural areas, until we arrive at Auschwitz number 1 camp.    We met our guide, got in our group, and off we went - not quite knowing what we would find, or how we would feel.    Through the gate with the famous words in German over it "work makes you free" and we were on our way.



My first impression on this part of the tour was how good the buildings looked. How normal they looked - we could have been in a nice part of the suburbs in any town or city.   Architecturaly pleasing on the eye, well built, and because of the fact they were now in a museum, well maintained.

Our tour round took us into many of these building, where we found the outward beauty contained an inner evil. The rooms, the photographs, the glasses, the shoes, the artificial limbs, the eating pots and drink inking utensils, the clothes, the human hair, the written records - and much more - they each told their sickening story

The execution gallows, the wall where inmates were shot, and then finally the gas chamber and the crematorium simply went to remind me, who has so often been accused of seeing good in every situation, just how evil human beings can be.

We had a great guide to show us round, and to give us so much information. After about 2 hours, this tour ended, and my thinking was, and still is, how respectable it all looked on the surface, how evil it all was behind the frontage.

Evil, wickedness, modern day terrorism can appear in such respecable guises, and to stereotype people into these catergories by their appearance, is a very dangerous practice, but it is one we do all the time, encouraged today by our press and our society.  We mustn't judge people by outward appearances, this was a lesson Jesus taught us time and time again, and yet we still so often do. This was my first lesson, a lesson we must all learn, a lesson we fail to learn at our peril.

And then we made the short journey to camp 2 - Birkenau.   Having said what I have just said, Birkenau looked just like you would expect "Auschitz" to look.    It was bleak, stark, regimented, basic, "evil" looking.   The iconic building with the arch through which a railway line passed, then to fan out into a number of sidings, where the human cargo was unloaded onto the so-called platforms, and then dispatched to various sections of the camp.    Usually it was to the death chamber!    The inmates who lived for a short time here, described the previous camp Auschwitz as being like a hotel compared to this.

The brick and wooden barracks where people were kept, reminded me of so many places where livestock were kept, and when you are told that up to 10 people would sleep in an area where I would want to sleep on my own, then I realise that the Nazis treated the Jewish people like animals - or should I say worse than animals.

The gas chambers and the crematoria had in the main all been destroyed here, by the retreating and fleeing Germans, and much of it just lay silent, as it had been left.

I struggled to find God here.

I have long held the view that evil flourished where there is a total disregard or deniual to God's presence.    And this place was no exception.   The nazis weren't doing it in God's name, or carrying out some sort of religious crusade, but rather to glory in the strength of the Germanic race.   Could God have stopped it?   Well, I like to think he did, but not before a great price was paid.

But I did get a glimpse of God peeking at me, not between the huts, or in the buildings, but in the 1000s of photographs I saw in the buildings - photographs of people of all ages, women children, girls, boys, men - none well built, most looking like skeletons - but each relating and communicating to each other - in fear, in sorrow, in bewilderment, in anger, in sorrow in laughter - each displaying the human side of God.   Once again this feeling cane to me that when we suffer, God suffers with us.   It isn't how it was meant to be, it is not as God has made it or intended it.

I will have much more to say on Auschitz 1 and 2 at a later time.

After leaving the camps, we had lunch, albeit a very late lunch, and then on a 3 hour trip (all on foot, underground with 2 miles of walking) round a Salt Mine. It was very interesting, but nothing compared to what we had experienced earlier.

Sorry about the delay in blogging this post.

broken my glasses

I have broken my glasses, so will now blog when I get home

Day 1 in Poland

Now where was I.....

Oh yes, going to bed for an early start ... and indeed that is what today was. Up at 1.15am away from the house at 2.15am, and then arriving at Stansted Airport at 4.15am - Charlotte is a good, if fast driver, I wonder where she gets it from?

So there we were, Standsted Airport at what felt like the middle of the night (well it was) and my first ever experience with Ryanair was about to begin.

Travelling very light, with just my hand luggage, I still managed to get my bag searched. No it wasn't the insulin, or the needles, which I was so careful to put into the clear plastic bag, nor my tootpaste(Sue hadn't declared her toothpaste, so her bag got searched as well) nor was it the other medication, but my deodorant. And I had been so careful to go out and but some roll-on, having met this problem before, it was the wrong sort of roll-on. Anyhow, all got sorted out. And I had even managed to get through the metal detector this time!

Then Ryanair! I have to be very fair to them, they got us where we wanted to be, on time. But that was about it. Nothing about passenger comfort, of customer service - all about getting things done as quickly as possible, maximising profits at every opportunity, and hoping the good old public will do as they are told - without question. You know what I am like, I just took it all in my stride, and we arrived in Poland. Treating its customers like cattle was the feeling, but we're here - I wonder if the return journey will be the same sort of experience.

And then something very strange happened, as we left Krakow Airport - the airport to Poland's second city. All help for the tourist vanished. We went in search of a shuttle bus to the railway station, only to find one un-identified bendi-bus, with people sitting on it. But being British, we didn't want to risk getting on a bus that might whisk us away to somewhere we didn't want to be (even Neil was unsure) so we walked to the station, me wheeling my bag, and using my stick to support my errant leg.

And after about 3/4 mile we arrived at the station - well I wouldn't call it a station at all, more like one of those unmanned stops on the Robin Hood line, with just a little shelter. We had just missed a train, but it was very pleasant sitting in the sunshine, waiting for the next one.

One of these train/tram thingies - but it was very nice, and interesting, although Sue didn't quite match my enthusiasm. It took us to the main Railway Station in Krakow, through some very interesting scenery (mainly rural, but also urban, with loads of rail stock in varying degrees of condition from burnt out (literally) to brand speaking new.

On arrival we decided to go straight to the hotel to drop off our bags. Neil's question to me (I had done all the arranging) was had I got a map showing where the hotel was. Oh dear, I hadn't, and I told him so, and I think his face just showed the slightest hint of asking the question "why hadn't?". But here came my first mistake of the day. I should have taken the lead like Neil would have done, and said "I don't need a map, because I know where the hotel is" (I didn't). It seems to me the art of good leadership is also about blagging it. And if I had, everyone would have thought how clever I was, because when we turned as we walked out of the station, I saw the name of the hotel about 500 yards away (no one else had seen it hehehe) Oh well, c'est la vie!!

Dropped off our bags, and then walked through the old city to the main square, where we had breakfast. It was still only 11.30am, and that after putting our watches on an hour. The weather today has been glorious - sunshine, and shirtsleeves.

After breakfast we went our separate ways - Neil and Jocelyn wanted to walk and wander through through the old city and the Jewish quarter. Sue and I, well initially we went to church. The Main Church in the old city. A beautiful building, although I didn't understand the sermon. In one way the experience was like churches I have been associated with, and in another way nothing like. "Nothing like" - it was packed. Standing room only - there must have been nearly 2000 people there, and so many young people, especially young men, actively involved with what was going on. "And so like churches I have been involved with" - people just came and went all the way through the service, with no real thought as to when it began, what stage we were at, or when it would end.

After church, and knowing my limitation, and having been targeted by market research (I think it was the walking stick) I managed to negotiate a city tour. It would last 1 1/2 hours and would show us all the sights of the old city, other city sights, the Jewish quarters, Schindlers factory, and what was once the Jewish Ghetto. It did all that and more. Even though it was expensive, we wouldn't have seen any of it without it. The tour consisted of Sue and I and our young driver/guide (just the three of us) along with a very helpful audio guide, and being transported in what was really a fast golf buggie - or rather like that thing they have at King's Mill Hospital which helps you get around when you can't walk very well. It was great!!! In every aspect. And the highlight of the tour - as beautiful as though it all was, for me what touched me was the Square of Heros, beside what was once the Jewish Ghetto. A Square with many monuments and plaques, but also dotted around we're dozens of chairs (in stone of course) representing empty houses.

I was beginning to get a bit tired now, as was Sue,but the other thing which I love about Krakow are it's trams. Hundreds of them everywhere, most packed with people. Brand new trams, old trams which look as though they would have been around in the was, and every sort in between.

But I was tired, and came back to the hotel to book in and to rest, but only for an hour and a quarter - and then, with Sue still asleep I went out with my camera and took loads of photos of....trams.

The trams, the people, and the beautiful sights of Krakow have really excited me!

Tonight (it is not 7pm) yet, going out for a meal in the city. Getting quite hungry now. A really great, happy day.

Tomorrow we are being picked up at 9am for our trip to Auschwitz and the Saltmines.

Now that is going be a totally different experience.

Day before Poland

All packed, passports and boarding passes all ready, just waiting now, and trying to rest my leg which is hurting quite a bit. Leaving here at 2am for a 6.10am flight from Stansted to Krakow. There is no doubt this is going to be the biggest challenge of my Sabbatical so far. I will do my very best to put a posting on here for each of the three days while I am in Poland.

This has been a funny sort of week. Struggling with a cold, and a hurting leg - taking a Churchwarden and her husband out for lunch (social, not work) and of course reading and preparation for Poland.

Now - just resting and waiting......

Feeling better

Yesterday, Tuesday, I did very little, as I felt not so good again.  Rested most of the day.

Today, Wednesday, feel much better, and as the day has gone on, the better I have felt.   Spent the morning writing and sorting things out.  Even applied for a "Blue Badge", but whether I get one, remains to be seen.  At my worst I most definately need one, but I live in hope for the better days, when, although the pain is still there, it is borderline.

This afternoon watched the film "Schindler's List" in readiness for next Monday.  Really it is a film without much hope.  The hope comes from lessons which are learnt, along with the determination of the human spirit to overcome suffering and pain.  Can't say I enjoyed it - even though it is an excellent film, but it has put me in a right frame of mind for next week.

Having another early night, so, "goodnight everyone!"

Monday with Martin

It is a Monday, and close friend of many years (from theological college) is with us. We have had a great day - as we always do, with plenty to talk about, and plenty to do. (This is my friend you will remember who lives in Bickerstaff, Lancashire).

Used the time to reflect on my Sabbatical, and the get a few tips on my presentation. Also, I have been able to think through some of my reflections, so far, and how they will energise my future ministry which is what a Sabbatical is all about.

We had breakfast at Morrison's, and then visited the Midland Railway Centre at Butterley. There had been a "Thomas" weekend, so I was hoping that some of the locomotives might still be in steam - disappointment number 1 of the day, there weren't. But it was great looking at the old station, seeing the coaches, and dmus from the 1960s. We went in search of the Museum having left a "gift aid" donation, but the young man's "1/2 mile walk" was more like a 20 mile hike, and we never made it. But is was a lovely and emotive morning.

We then journeyed through the Derbyshire/Nottinghamshire border, towards the Nottingham Transport Museum, a place that I haven't been to for many years, and which I was keen to revisit and show Martin, as there are plans to extend the Great Central Railway there. The Great Central Railway of my two Steam Train driving experiences, which don't seem that long ago, but they were both given to me for my 50th birthday!

But before we arrived there, I deviated from the route, to look at another place I hadn't been to for over 20 years, Toton Marshalling yards. Martin would love looking at this! Wrong, and disappointment number 2 for today. It wasn't there - all the sidings - track and track beds had been pulled up - cordoned off, overgrown, and Toton Motive Power Depot, one of the largest in Britain, was lost somewhere in the distance. What tricks memories play. If Salisbury Station had been one of my Spiritual hidiholes at Theological college, then Toton was mine during my curate years at St Leonard's Wollaton. I used to bring our first Labrador, Rosie, and take our children in an evening, and would sort out all my curate related problems. I would also go and simply pray there. Once again I come to the realisation that you can't live in the past, or expect the past to be as it was, or as you think it was - that the presentis only very temporary, and the best is yet to be. I was listening to something over the weekend with the words "steps unto heaven" (I won't tell you just yet where it was, as it is a possible contender for the name of my presentation/write-up) and that was what the past/present/future syndrome seems to be in my experience, spiritually.

I ramble on - this really is Richard rambling! Indeed it is now Tuesday morning, and Martin has now gone, but there is still much to tell about yesterday.

After leaving Toton, went to have lunch in a very nice pub near where I used to work when I was assistant manager in NatWest and where we always took our customers for lunch - at least those we were trying to look after. A lovely pub/resturant, recently very tastefully refurbished (well it was over 25 years since i was last there) but a problem, there was a power cut, which had affected the whole village, and we could only have drinks and crisps, and sit in the dard.

Finally got to Nottingham Transport Museum, and to disappointment number 3. It just looked like a builders yard, with very little looking like anything to do with transport, let alone what I thought was the imminent opening of the Great Central Railway extension - perhaps I was looking in the wrong place.

By now I was getting a little tired, and so home we came - via the newly opened A46 dual carriageway.

After a nap (!!!!) time to go out for a meal in the evening - into my car, and what a funny grinding noise. A puncture! Thank goodness for friends! (Neil has also made some comment to me which I must take up!)

Can I just finish this posting by saying that I haven't been very well, and my pronouncement that I was feeling much better, was shortived. Pain, aches, and this last week a heavy cold have all taken their toll. Also just finishing final week of medication before a 3 week break.

Next trip to Poland (Auschwitz) with Sue, Neil and Jocelyn, so reading in full swing for that, and a couple of films to watch. Also want to ensure I feel ok for the trip.

Saturday - and the name the film

Friday and Saturday and a family friend from Belfast staying with us. Benin to shoe him my roots in Grimsby, including meeting my sisters and their respective animals - oh yes, Andi, and a nephews.

Just got home, very very tired, so that is all you are going to get - eecept - the film I was raving about was "The Reader". I got so carried away about it, that I forgot to say what film it was.

Soon back on track!

No sooner have I posted the last blog, and started to do some reading about my visit to Poland, I decide to watch a film which I had recorded on Sky+ a few weeks ago, hadn't watched, didn't really know what it was about, but recorded because the Telegraph gave it an excellent review. If you haven't seen it, watch it! It is an excellent, if controversial film, which raises many many questions.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday - am I beginning to feel sorry for myself?

It is Thursday, 2.45pm, and for the first time for many days, I am beginning to feel a little more my old self. In short, I have felt extremely cold, been very sick on three occasions, struggled to pass water on Monday, been very dizzy, ached like anything, and suffered with a nausius stomach, with no appetite for food, or for anything. This has really laid me low. I went to the doctors, was referred to the chemo nurse, and the upshot was an antibiotic for a possible water infection. We'll have to see what happens next!

A little behind now with preparations for my trip to Auschwitz which begins a week on Saturday. All booked, so just have to get feeling ok.

So am I beginning to feel sorry for myself? I hope not, but it has to be said I have not felt well. When I consider how many different drugs are rushing round my body at the moment, and what is happening inside, I still feel I have plenty, to do, and plenty of life to live!

Birthday Meal

Just waiting to be taken out for my birthday meal (well I am paying!!!) - and 15 of us are going.

Since I have been poorly, it has become a tradition following my birthday for us all to go out for a family meal. We go to Winner City (a Chinese Restuarant|)  near Rainworth, and my grandson Harrison is with me at the moment and he has asked me how do I blog.  So I am showing him.

Harrison is with us this weekend as a treat for me, and it really is lovely to have all the family round me once again.  Shortly to be picked up, so I will say cheerio for now.

Further thoughts on France and Belgium

And so after leading six parish pilgrimages to France and Belgium, and those following at least 12 of my own visits with close friends, I once again set out to the First World War battlefields -- this time there were just three of us Mark, Kathryn, and myself.   I knew also that it would be different, because I had time to spend time to reflect, to pray, and to go exactly where I wanted to.

It is wonderful bringing people from the parishes to this place, and to share some of my experiences, but on this occasion when I was trying to find out once again what God wanted of me, it was good to be on my own with my two dear friends who gave me all the time and space I needed.

You know why the battlefields of France and Belgium are important to me -- it all stems from a book my grandfather wrote (although he never got it published) about his experiences in the First World War and in particular his friendship with Karl Siegel.   

And for me this part of my journey was picked up in 1981 when I took 100 or so scouts to camp near Gatehouse of Fleet in Scotland.  I was with Neil, in Edinburgh Castle, navigating the scouts carefully through the Memorial Chapel, concerned about the welfare of all the exhibits in the Memorial Chapel, when Neil challenged me as to why I wasn't showing much interest in what I saw.  I told him quite plainly that I was indeed very interested, but my immediate concern was the safe passage of the scouts through the chapel. Subsequent discussions led us a couple of years later to do the trip to France and Belgium, my first such trip, and it was there in Passchendaele Cemetery that I distinctly heard God say to me not to waste my life.

I had already been to one selection conference (for ordination into the Church of England) in 1978, and was unceremoniously turned down, and I vowed never to go again. But following this experience in Passchendaele, and much discussion with a variety of people, including my vicar, I decided that this was what God wanted me to do -- and here I am 27 years later an ordained priest of 22 years.   Incidentally on the subsequent train trip (last week) Neil and I once again stood outside Edinburgh Castle, and we talked about those heated discussions in 1981.   Also on the trip to Northern Ireland, and on the way to catch the ferry in Stranraer, I called at the very site we camped on.

This trip to France was also different because I was looking at it specifically through the eyes of suffering -- and God.   It also followed on from the exciting and challenging trip to Northern Ireland, where I had seen the results of much suffering, and an undiminished faith and trust in God.

Loaded with my camera and quite a few poetry books -- especially poems by the wonderful Wilfred Owen, we arrived at Vic and Diane's – who run a wonderful bed-and-breakfast near the town of Albert, which I have already mentioned, and I can highly recommend it to anybody.   All our parish trips been based here.

 I took many photographs, read much poetry, wanted to find out more about people who were shot at dawn, and to discover more about the poets. I also wanted to find out what God wanted from me as a Christian and as a Priest as I enter another phase of my life.   Those of you who have read my postings will have seen that I have achieved all this.

But what can I reflect on what I think of suffering, spirituality, and life in general.

The first thing I would want report is how much fun we had. I really have a feeling that perhaps I have in the past taken it all a bit too seriously.  God is in the lighter moments, the laughter and the fun.   It is quite transparent that when we were trying to be very holy, that was when we were laughing the most.    And we laughed quite a bit, and the more I thought about God the more I have a smile on my face.   It has to be said that I was very relaxed -- this is a great feature of my sabbatical realising just how stressed and wound up I had got.  I also really feel God doesn't have to be searched out -- he/she is there with you wherever you are, and however you feel, and in whatever situation you find yourself in.

The second point I would make is on a visit to Talbot House in Poperinge.  Talbot House -- the idea of "Tubby" Clayton the Army chaplain in the First World War, who went on to develop TocH.  I even managed to climb the steep steps to the chapel (which was in the roof area), knowing the chapel had been stripped of everything other than a cross and a painting as it was being redecorated.

Yes I been there before, but this time it was very different -- very special.   That place was holy because I was seeing it as it was without all the trappings or the trimmings -- my mind went back to those years during the war when men would come together to worship God from completely different walks of life, different ranks in the Army, different backgrounds, different personalities -- coming together to worship the same God.  

I couldn't help but think wouldn't it be great if this could happen in our parishes -- where people just came together to worship God without all the trappings, and the baggage which goes with it, without the squabbles, without the hang-ups.  I stood in the chapel some time just praying and taking in the moment. Yes God was with me, just as he had been with countless other men (and women) who had stood in the same place over the past near on 100 years.

And then the poems -- I have been to Wilfred Owen's grave on many occasions so this time I didn't feel the need to go, but I was reading his book about his last year, and reflected how the news of his death reached the family on the day of the armistice.   How tragic.   Just imagine how his parents must have felt – and his parents would feel just like millions of others would have felt through the years, at hearing of the death of a loved one in war, violence or as a result of terrorism.  And then I discovered a poet I hadn't heard about before and have spent time reading his poetry.   I went to see his grave which was near where we were staying.  Killed in action on 1 July 1916 -- as I blogged at the time another example of the sheer folly and tragedy of war.

All this along with my problems with those who were shot at dawn, led me to write to poems myself. They are not brilliant but I feel they say what I want to say.  Some have been kind enough to say you have been touched by them, while equally others say they did nothing for them.  That’s what it is all about, of course.

And then I had time at Passchendaele -- the greatest length of time that I have ever stayed there since that day in the mid-1980s. Yes I really did pray for many people in that spot, and especially for all those who have hurt me, annoyed me, got up my nose, wound me up, and it was so precious remembering all these people, along with the many many other people who have been involved in my ministry in so many ways.

I always try to see the best in everybody -- people often criticise me for this, but I really do believe that we are all capable of the greatest goodness, and equally of the worst  nastiness.    It is the importance we place on God in our lives, at least in my case, which I like to think has kept me on the right side.

Our trip this year was conducted in some of the coldest conditions I have experienced.  Cold and snow!    My cancerous bone hurt more than it has ever done, and indeed as I write this some three weeks later the pain is still there.

I have not much more to add about our trip to France and Belgium which hasn't been covered elsewhere in my blog.

I have tried to set out by extending my perception of spirituality -- a spirituality which should be energising and life-giving. So far in my sabbatical I feel I have achieved this. France and Belgium gave me much time for prayer, reflection, and “just being”,  this has been built on during my round Britain rail trip of last week, which I shall reflect on and share in the next few days.

Auschwitz and Jerusalem have still to come, and I have no doubt that it is in these two places that I will find the greatest challenge when I come to looking for God in the suffering and struggles of our world.

Regarding my own situation -- I do realise that God is with me through my condition and in my condition. Perhaps I need to be open more to what God wants me to do!  More open and more trusting – in God and in those who are closest to me